Why?

Every night I sit here unable to sleep with tears streaming down my face asking why? I don't know why..........well I do know because life is not fair, it wasn't meant to be fair it was meant to be life. It's not always easy and it's not always the storybook picture we dream of, but it takes me back full circle to my question of WHY?
I am watching my dad die right before my eyes and all i can say is why? I want to savor every moment, every stroke of life, every breath I watch him take, every moment I see him with my boys because I know that in a undisclosed amount of time it is gone. I am not ready to lose it, I am not ready to say goodbye.
Last week our preacher did a sermon on God's will and how his will may not be our own. Well I know that after many sleepless crying nights God knows that I still pray for his will to be done, but I may not agree. This is a peace I have to find in myself and in my relationship with God. It doesn't by any means make me any less of a believer, it just means that God's plan was not my own plan. That's not always easy to cope with or accept.
I know that cancer can be beaten, I know that I watched my husband gracefully do it himself, but I am afraid that this time it will not be beaten. Glioblastoma has taken over our lives and it STINKS. We watch my dad slip from us a little everyday and it is so hard to watch. His voice, walking, feeding himself, memory............and it is so hard.
When we lost my brother not even a year ago our family came together even when I didn't think we could be closer we were. We dealt with a heartbreaking tragedy.........actually I should say we are dealing with a heartbreaking tragedy because I would be absolutely lying to you if I said we were healed we are not, we still grieve everyday. Now we know that in a matter of time we will lose someone else, not just someone else to me though it is my dad. The man that chose my name, the man that escorted me when I was Homecoming Queen in college, the man who gave me away to my amazing husband on our wedding day, the man that I asked to be with us when our first son was born, the man that my boys adoringly look at and say Papaw! I have always said there is God first and then my dad.
How do you let go of that? Better yet how do you watch it slip away? I can honestly say I do not know. I do not want to sit and wallow in self pity, but I can honestly tell you at the same time I do not want to lose him. I am not ready to say goodbye. Even though he is one of the most Godly people I know and he will grace the gates of Heaven with a smile on his face to meet my Mamaw and my brother I am not ready to let him go.
I guess it all comes full circle to it is God's will not my own. The selfish me wants him here, the selfish me wants my boys to be able to hold onto him and have all the memories you are supposed to have with your Papaw, but I truly know that is not God's will. It is very hard to prepare my children, when I am not even prepared myself. I know God will guide us and he will comfort us and our family will be embraced, but for anyone that has lost a love one or is watching a loved one slip away know that you are not alone. It hurts it is painful and at the end of the day even though you trust in the Lord with all your heart it is okay to still ask why. I do......
Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted Matthew 5:4

Snow day anyone?

Well we have the great blizzard of 2011 here in Arkansas! Last week we got a pretty good round of ice and snow and then we had a big surprise while we were sleeping last night of about 2 feet!!!! Now keep in mind here that the weather forecast had predicted 4-6 inches, so when you are expecting 4-6 and you wake up to almost 2 foot of snow that is a SHOCKER!!!! It is beautiful and we have loved watching it snow all day! I haven't seen a snow like this.........well maybe ever! We knew we had to get out in it, if nothing else to just pictures of the boys in it! So that we did! With that being said here are a few things my family has enjoyed on our MANY snow days we have had this winter.....................................................

Lounge in front of the t.v. watching Little Rascals, Cars, and anything that is super entertaining to a 3 year old and 8 year old!

Make homemade snow ice cream and eat it for lunch!!! YUMMY!!!!


Bury our dog in the snow!
Give momma some lovins!!!

Relax with daddy!

Make Valentines for those we love:)

Bake homemade muffins!!!! and of course make the house smell super yummy!

Snuggle with those you love!

Muffins weren't enough so bake some pies!

Lounge and growl at your momma while she takes your picture. Notice laptop, Uno cards, and tv is going on all at the same time!

Try out new soup recipes! This one is chicken and potato gnocchi....copycat of a soup at Olive Garden! Also made Zuppa Toscano and they were both delicious!!!

Games! Of course!!!

and puzzles!!!

and more games!

Not to be forgotten Daddy pulling us on the sled behind the 4wheeler!

It has been a fun winter to say the least! Yes we will have to make up quite a few days of school and yes it has gotten us off our schedule of sports and extra curricular activities, but it has been worth it!! To me it is God's way of saying SLOW DOWN enjoy life spend time together without having to go anywhere. Spend time at home and enjoy your family. So we listened and we have enjoyed every minute of it!!! Thank you God for this beautiful amazing gift you have given us, some of your finest work!!!! Seize the day!!!!