Sunday, February 20, 2011

Why?

Every night I sit here unable to sleep with tears streaming down my face asking why? I don't know why..........well I do know because life is not fair, it wasn't meant to be fair it was meant to be life. It's not always easy and it's not always the storybook picture we dream of, but it takes me back full circle to my question of WHY?
I am watching my dad die right before my eyes and all i can say is why? I want to savor every moment, every stroke of life, every breath I watch him take, every moment I see him with my boys because I know that in a undisclosed amount of time it is gone. I am not ready to lose it, I am not ready to say goodbye.
Last week our preacher did a sermon on God's will and how his will may not be our own. Well I know that after many sleepless crying nights God knows that I still pray for his will to be done, but I may not agree. This is a peace I have to find in myself and in my relationship with God. It doesn't by any means make me any less of a believer, it just means that God's plan was not my own plan. That's not always easy to cope with or accept.
I know that cancer can be beaten, I know that I watched my husband gracefully do it himself, but I am afraid that this time it will not be beaten. Glioblastoma has taken over our lives and it STINKS. We watch my dad slip from us a little everyday and it is so hard to watch. His voice, walking, feeding himself, memory............and it is so hard.
When we lost my brother not even a year ago our family came together even when I didn't think we could be closer we were. We dealt with a heartbreaking tragedy.........actually I should say we are dealing with a heartbreaking tragedy because I would be absolutely lying to you if I said we were healed we are not, we still grieve everyday. Now we know that in a matter of time we will lose someone else, not just someone else to me though it is my dad. The man that chose my name, the man that escorted me when I was Homecoming Queen in college, the man who gave me away to my amazing husband on our wedding day, the man that I asked to be with us when our first son was born, the man that my boys adoringly look at and say Papaw! I have always said there is God first and then my dad.
How do you let go of that? Better yet how do you watch it slip away? I can honestly say I do not know. I do not want to sit and wallow in self pity, but I can honestly tell you at the same time I do not want to lose him. I am not ready to say goodbye. Even though he is one of the most Godly people I know and he will grace the gates of Heaven with a smile on his face to meet my Mamaw and my brother I am not ready to let him go.
I guess it all comes full circle to it is God's will not my own. The selfish me wants him here, the selfish me wants my boys to be able to hold onto him and have all the memories you are supposed to have with your Papaw, but I truly know that is not God's will. It is very hard to prepare my children, when I am not even prepared myself. I know God will guide us and he will comfort us and our family will be embraced, but for anyone that has lost a love one or is watching a loved one slip away know that you are not alone. It hurts it is painful and at the end of the day even though you trust in the Lord with all your heart it is okay to still ask why. I do......
Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted Matthew 5:4

5 comments:

Reba said...

Oh, Jill. How my heart aches. I wish I had answers or magic words to make everything better. But I don't. All I can do is pray. I can pray for peace. For rest. For comfort. Love and hugs to you.

Jane H said...

Jill I'm so sorry! It's so hard to watch a parent suffer. God Bless.

Jane

The Anglin Family said...

I am SO sorry. I just said a prayer for you.
I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Laura-Lee said...

I have no words Jill, just know you are not alone and cherish each and every moment you have now...journal those times so you don't forget, take photos, write out the converstaions between your dad and your boys. He has made you the woman you are and now those wonderful traits you see in your dad will shine through your boys. Hugs to you Jill....sending warm thoughts and prayers...

Leah said...

Praying for you! Love you dearly!