Friday, July 1, 2011

Absent but not forgotten!

Like me for example! Yes I have been absent from the blogging world. My last blog was before my dad passed away and was the blog was about our sweet 4 pawed addition to our family, which is doing WONDERFUL by the way. My died did pass away on March 18. It was a very long and short journey all wrapped into one. I don't know why, but expressing my feelings since he has passed has not been easy for me at all. I have experienced a lot of heartache and a lot of loss over the past few years however losing a parent is indescribable. I mean they are the ones you go to for EVERYTHING from day one and even until now. I mean obviously I am a grown woman, however a girl always needs her daddy. Whether it be for day to day life, spiritual guidance, help with understanding, or just someone to cry to. I mean he is the man that picked out my name, he is the man that held me after I was born, he was the man that walked me down the aisle and gave me to my precious husband(after he told him if he ever hurt me he would..............)anyway back on track:) and in a very quick 6 months that was gone. That was all the time we had. I remember the day it all changed, I went to work. It was a nice Fall Thursday and I was gearing up for my annual fundraiser Mega Party that I am in charge of. I had recess duty that day and we had just walked outside. I had my phone, first aid kit, and a walkie(fyi I teach kindergarten we use ALOT of band aids!). I got the call in the middle of recess and the next weeks just flew by. I had no idea that day how much our lives had changed, but in some ways I am glad I didn't know. I had no idea that I only 6 months left with my dad. I had no idea that I would not have what I referred to as my "advisor". I guess I am glad I didn't know because there is no way I could have learned all I needed to from him in 6 months.

I say all this, once again knowing that we are learning our "new normal". Please do not get me wrong I know that people lose loved ones everyday and I honestly can cope without having him here and knowing he is in an amazing place. However I have two little guys at home that I would have loved for him to see grow up and see the men they will become. However that was not God's plan for our lives and we are slowly accepting that one day at a time. It's funny how when you lose someone, some days are easier and some days are harder. It's also interesting to me how God puts unexpected people in your life and you never really knew why, but now you do or maybe even takes people out of your life. I never questioned God's reasoning in my dad's illness or why him, I think the thing I did question though was How are we going to do this without him? I know we will, I know we will make it, some days easier some days harder, but we will do it because that is what he would expect me to do.

So my dad is absent, but truly not forgotten. Yes there are still nights I cry myself to sleep and there is not a moment in each day that I do not think about him or pass a picture in our home and think wow I miss you. My kids talk about him all the time because he is still so fresh in their minds. Carter has asked many times when Papaw comes back from Heaven we are going to do this................but on the flipside Ian has said someday when I go to Heaven I will see him.

I guess coming back to my blog I didn't really know where to begin, but felt it was important to pay honor to the amazing, strong, courageous, focused, inspiring, devoted man I called Dad.

Puppy Chow for now, but not for forever.........


Reba said...

Oh, sweet Jill. I just want to reach through the blog and hug you. I love you so much. I have thought those same thoughts though I haven't faced this yet...your parents are the ones who knew you from the first day you were on earth. I wish I could take away the sting of the loss, could fill that hole. Just know I love you and will keep praying for you. I have missed your blog but I so understand your absence. LOTS of love and hugs.

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