Wednesday, July 18, 2007

My 2 sweet angels in Heaven

Sometimes life seems so unfair. After hearing about our good friend Heather from LPC message boards miscarriage it brought back so many memories. Having two miscarriage before having Carter my heart just breaks anytime i hear of someone having a miscarriage. It is such a hard loss to experience. My heart hurts so bad for her and her family and there is absolutely nothing I can do to support her except to be there for her when she needs to talk. Losing a life that was growing inside of you is so incredibly hard. You feel raw and empty. You ask why, what if, how come, and I wonder so many times that you drive yourself insane. I can remember with my first miscarriage I was 6 weeks along and I picked Ian up from the babysitter, before we left I went to the bathroom and there was blood everywhere. I immediately went into panic mode, got Ian, and drove straight home to call my doctor. My nurse had me come in and have a blood panel done but said we would not know the results until the next day at 10am. I remember laying in bed that night sobbing because I was so scared and I was still bleeding. Jeremy went and got me Thai food(my favorite) and laid in bed with me playing Yahtzee to try and take my mind of it(of course it didn't but it made me feel so loved that he would do this for me). Later that night Jeremy dozed off and I got up went to the bathroom and was still bleeding. At 2:00am I passed a huge clot that I knew was our baby. I laid in the bathroom flooring sobbing and wondering what should I do next. The next morning my doctor called and said that with the report of my blood panel I was experiencing a miscarriage and after I told him what had happened he said I had already passed the baby on my own. The time after my miscarriage was so hard. Praise God for my husband, wonderful family, and great friends. I took a few weeks off of work to spend time with Ian(who was 3 at the time) and heal.
Three months later by the Grace and Glory of God we found out that I was pregnant again and due in April. I remember feeling so scared, excited, worried, and so many other emotions. After many tests, ultrasounds, etc. my dr. assured me so far so good. We were ecstatic at this point still nervous but happy. Around mid September I had made it through my first trimester and was definitely starting to show. My cousin was getting married that upcoming weekend and I had some weird discharge, so I decided to be cautious and call my dr. My nurse told me to swing by after work and we would check the heartbeat since I was leaving town. So I did by myself and nobody knew I was going because she said there was nothing to be worried about. I remember my dr using the doppler to find the heartbeat and he couldn't fine it, not worried he pulled in an ultrasound cart and was looking for the heartbeat I knew at this point he was concerned. The nurse then pulled in another ultrasound cart to do a vaginal ultrasound and it was then that he told me that my baby was perfectly developed at 13 weeks but the heart had stopped beating. I will never forget sitting there with the drape over me alone knowing that my miracle baby had died. The nurse called my husband who in turn met us at the hospital where we had a full ultrasound to make 100% sure and got pictures of our sweet angel that is now in Heaven. I remember laying on the table looking at the babies perfect arms, legs, and head and wondering why and what had gone wrong. My DNC was scheduled for the next day, so we went home and once again had to suffer through a long night but this time knowing for certain that the sweet life that had grown inside of me that we created had died. It was so hard to lay there and know that the next day they were going to take my baby from me. I would never hold him, kiss him, or hear him say mommy. I also was so devastated to know that we had to tell our now 4 year old son that not only had we lost 1 baby but now we had lost 2. I had my DNC and then took a month off work to once again spend at home with Jeremy and Ian. It was a very hard month learning to grieve, cope, and continue to be a mommy and wife at the same time.
It's so hard to know why things happen in our life. We know that God has a plan and we know that things happen for a reason but the one big question of Why will always be in the back of your mind. Other peoples lives went on and I saw pregnant women and babies everywhere I turned and I felt that I was being punished. Now a year and half later I know that had those things not happened I would not have my sweet precious miracle Carter that I hold in my arms everyday. He is our blessing baby the one that I have longed for so many months. After our family has grown through both of these devastating loses I feel that we have a much stronger family bond and that Jeremy and I have an even stronger marriage than we did 2 years ago. I didn't know I could ever love him more but the love and support he gave our family when we were going through these difficult times amazed me.
I will always think about my 2 sweet angels, but then I also praise God everyday for the 2 precious boys I have to hold and love everyday. I know that one day when I walk through the gates of Heaven my 2 angels will be there waiting for me!
So before I sign off tonight I send up a special prayer for Heather and her family as they cope and heal with this terrible loss. And all the other women out there that have had to experience this same loss or the loss of not being able to have children at all. Our God is an awesome God and in those words we have to trust our God.

8 comments:

Sandra said...

Oh Jill...I have tears running down my cheeks. When i was 17, i experienced a miscarriage like your first one. For a 17 year old, trying to hide it from her parents...it was very scary. I had a mix of emotions. It is something you can never forget. Blessings to you and your sweet perfect little Carter. We may not know WHY all the time, but must always trust that GOD knows what is best and always has our best interest at heart. HUGS.

christina said...

well i am crying and i have no words, i know heather is feeling all of these feelings. i can't write right now because i have no words, i think i cried them all out.

:(

Jane said...

Jill you said it so much better then I could...both of my miscarriages were like your first. It is so scary! you go from total complete joy to devestation in a matter of minutes.

God Bless all of those and those to come that have went through this H$$$ on earth because that is what it is. But, you and all the rest will meet their angels in heaven.

Dee said...

I am one of those that cannot have childern. Your beautiful heartfelt words touched me. Thanks for sharing your heart. So happy for you that you have your beautiful family. We don't always understand His ways, but God is pretty amazing isn't He?

donnacr said...

I have never walked that path myself but have with my DD more then once ...the pain of seeing her and her DH go through that is something you never forget but we have 3 miracle grandchildren ( the last took 7 yrs to make his appearance ) but through such heartbreak has come such joy ! Treasure all your children and all those angels above ! HUGS !

Andrea said...

Hey Jill, you said this all so sweetly!! I got really emotional for you & for Heather reading this. I have never had to experience this loss, but I have been by the sides of a few girls who have. It is a terrible thing. Thank goodness we have such an awesome God who is always there to guide us though! {Hugs}

Corry said...

Thanks for sharing Jill. It is so hard, having lost a child myself and being close to my SIL who also lost 2 babies i can empathize, its a good thing we had the support of family, friends and God to lean on to get us through the tough times,and the joy of knowing we'll be together again in heaven someday. So sorry for Heather too, will pray for healing for her and family.

Melissa said...

Jill, I'm so glad I stoppped by to read your blog! Its so beautifully written. My heart goes out to you for your loss. I've never had the experience so I can only IMAGINE to a small degree what it must feel like. Praise God that He got you through and that you hare able to enjoy the beautiful family He has given you. Thank you for sharing such intimate experiences and letting us into your world! Love, Melissa (whimsypics)