Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Dear Bo,

I feel like I have so much to tell you, but you aren't here, so the next best thing was to write you a letter. I really want to share it with my boys someday, so what better place to put it than my blog. I wish I could hug your neck one more time, I wish I could see my boys steal your hat one more time, I wish I could watch you throw Ian up in the pool one more time, I wish I could see you sitting on my couch with your wife and so in love one more time, I wish I could look behind me in church and see you sitting in the pew behind me one more time, I wish that I could spend one more 4th of July with you, I wish I could see you and Jeremy posing for one more goofy picture, I wish I could see you in one of your goofy Harley Davidson t-shirts one more time, I wish I could open Christmas presents with you one more time(in age order and one at a time:). There are so many wishes I have, but I have to let my pain and suffering go. I know that as soon as your soul left this Earth you crossed the golden gates of Heaven and met your Heavenly Father. You were a Godly man and as selfish as it is of me to want to have you back, I know with all my heart that you are with our saviour Jesus Christ.
Remember the Christmas we got our Laser tag? We woke up our parents shooting our laser tag everywhere with all our gear on? Remember the time you tried Skoal for the first time? I laughed my butt off and still do every time I think about it! Remember the time we drove to the 7-11 and bought coke icees, but didn't buy lids because they had the price of the drink by the cup and the lid and we thought you had to buy the cup and lid separate and we knew we wouldn't have enough money for candy, so we opted out of the lid? By the time we got home we had sticky coke everywhere! Remember the time we rode our bikes to Harps and dug through the dumpster and brought home what we thought was the best cantaloupe ever? We were so proud and our parents were laughing so hard! Remember the time your mom bought a yang load of corn and we had to shuck it for HOURS????? I still hate shucking corn to this day. Remember the time when we went camping and you mooned us every time we turned around? Remember the time we got glowworms for Easter? Remember the time you held my children for the first time? Remember the time Ian pulled Carter in a wagon at your wedding as your ring bearers? Remember the last time I saw you? I do it was at Carter's 3rd birthday. I can remember exactly what you were wearing, our exact conversation, and exactly what you had been doing. I remember hugging before you left and telling you I loved ya. I wish I had known that was the last time I would hug you. I wonder if I would have hugged you harder or longer. I know I would have, but it would have been hard. Honestly I probably wouldn't have let you go. It was so nice that you were there because you were actually working on your house that weekend and weren't even sure if you were going to get to come to Carter's party, but you did. You took a break from what you were doing and brought your family to my son's party and for that I will always be grateful. That was like your last good deed to me. I know a 3 year old birthday party was the last thing you had on your mind that weekend, but you came and praise God you did. That will be the last moment I laid my eyes on you. The last moment my children got to hug their Uncle Bo. Praise God we had that day, praise God we had that time, praise God we had that moment. For that I am so thankful.
Faith and time is the only thing that will heal my pain and heartache, memories will get me through the hard times and family will get me through each and everyday. I pray my boys can grow up with the heart, faith, determination, and strength you had.
I wish I had been there that night to hold you in your last seconds of life. I wish an angel could have moved that truck. I wish I could have seen you one more time. I can't wish or want any longer. I have to move forward and accept that you are gone. My brother has gone to Heaven. Uncle Bo has gone to Heaven.
I do want to warn you that your wild and crazy nephew is looking for a way to protect you. He said he really needs his gun(Nerf gun that is :), so that he can protect Uncle Bo and Aunt Lori and make you safe again. It broke my heart, but at the same time gave me peace and validation on how special the two of you were in his life. I already knew that Ian thought you hung the moon. He has expressed that on many occasions, but with Carter he is so young and I needed to know that he knew how special you were. He does and I know that.
I need nothing to know that you loved me. I need nothing to know how special you were. The one thing I need and I want I can't have back. I will meet you in Heaven. Sometime, someday, somehow. I pray that the good Lord allows me to raise my boys into strong men as you were. I pray that God grants Jeremy and I the time to give them the faith and values we were taught. I pray that you look down on us from Heaven and smile. I look up at you smile everyday.
I love you to Heaven and back,
Your lil sis
PS I was only your lil sis by 2 months and about a foot and a half.

7 comments:

In The Grip Of His Grace said...

How odd, we are so much alike but yet so much apart in age..kindred spirits...I am not yet prepared to write a letter to Bo, but if I could have..I couldn't have said one thing any better I laughed and cried as I remembered the same things you did..tonight, I wrote a letter to GOD on my blog, but it was just about today..I will someday the Lord willing write my letter to Bo. He was so blessed to be loved by a sister such as you. You are the best sister a brother could ever have.. I love you to Heaven and back

Reba said...

Oh, dear friend, my heart is just aching for you. You have been on my mind constantly. What a beautiful tribute to your brother. I still have no words to say, though I want so much to take away the pain from you. All I can do is continue praying. Please know I am here.

Kristi (Turley) Jackson said...

Dear Sweet Jill! What a beautiful letter! I cried with you for all the same feelings I have for my mother. I cried when I read the other blog from maybe Bo's mom? Oh my word - I feel that very same empty and not one soul understands but God. Thank God they don't because I believe it's His way of having us turn to Him rather that other "children" of His. You're such an inspiration with your faith & together we will all get through our own pain and emptiness because we do have each other! I thank you for always being so kind & caring towards me. You're light shines so bright! I wish I could tell you it gets better...the pain is not so sharp but there is always that empty feeling. But know he's watching over you with the best seats in the house!

Jenn said...

Jill, I am so, so sorry for your loss. I'll be praying!

Jill said...

I found your blog today through another blog that I read. My name is Jill too. I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom about 6 months ago and I know how heartbreaking it is to lose someone you love so dearly. Please know that I will be praying for you and your family. Take care, Jill

Andrea said...

Jill, I am so sorry to hear baou tyour brother & his wife!!! Your letter is wonderful...so heartfelt!!! I'll be praying for you! God bless!

m1ch3113lee said...

Jill I am so sorry for your loss. Hugs to you and your family..