Saturday, August 22, 2009

Holding my chin up

Ok so I would be lying if I post how happy happy and goody goody I was right now. So when thinking about my post tonight I thought okay when we look back and read about this journey, we both know there were good times, bad times, easy times, hard times, etc. Well for some reason this has been a rough week for me. I know Jeremy is the one going through the chemo, but for some reason my emotions just got the best of me this week. I have gotten many messages from many of you about how strong I am and how strong my faith is and it is trust me however I am human and some days are just easier than others. Unfortunately this whole week has been tough on me and the boys as well.

Jeremy had chemo on Tuesday and had the pack removed on Thursday. From there he rested most of Thursday and all day Friday. He worked today and is wiped out tonight. Tomorrow we are planning to veg out and spend the day together as a family, which we all need.

I guess after going through this journey for 8 weeks my mind is finally able to wander in places it hasn't before or I have actually had time to stop and think and process things that I haven't been able to. I will say getting back into the routine of work and school is good however on the days we need to all just pile in bed and be together it is not an option. I hate feeling weak I know it is normal and I know it is going to happen, but I am not a person that likes to feel weak or out of control. I am a control freak, so when I begin to feel weak it stresses me out! This week Ian also had a major breakdown. Jeremy and I neither one knew what to do, it happened to be on Jeremy's scheduled day off which he had planned to spend at home resting, so after talking to Ian's teacher we decided he needed to be with his daddy. Jeremy came and got him and they picked up some Steak and Shake and headed home for some quality time and lots of vegging out. Ian has been great ever since. He just woke up that day and something told him he needed to be with his daddy and he hasn't asked for Jeremy in quite a while so we felt like we needed to let him do that and have that time with him. Now later that night Carter also had a major meltdown and also wanted nothing but his daddy. This pretty much shows how rough our week has been.

My mom and stepdad came Thursday night and helped us catch up on some things at the house. In the meantime our washer went out(just what I needed, I mean I was already have a rough week!). My stepdad came to the rescue and bought us a new washer and had someone install it. Praise the Lord we are back in business to wash and dry. You don't realize how much you wash in one week until you are without. A big thanks to my mom for cleaning our entire house and getting things back in order. Also a thanks to my stepdad for the big load of snacks he brought us from the Little Debbie store! The boys have chowed on oatmeal creme pies and glazed donuts all evening!

I PRAY next week is going to be better. I know it will. Tonight I spent a lot of time in prayer and I prayed for the Lord to continue to bless our family and take away my anxiety and stress. I pray that he will embrace me and comfort me. I truly know deep in my heart that Jeremy is going to be ok all in due time, but I also know that we have many bumps ahead. Sometimes it all just becomes extremely overwhelming for me. I don't want to let anyone down and I want to continue to keep our house running as smoothly as possible. I guess this week it just all caught up with me. I have those feelings any wife or mother would have I want to take the pain away. I wish it could be me instead of him. So many times when Carter has been sick I have said if I could take all the illness from him and put it into me I would and I feel the same way with Jeremy. However when I verbalized this to Jeremy he said absolutely NOT our family could not function without you, so God knew what he was doing :). It made me feel good, but at the same time I want to take his hurt and fear away.

Like I said I am human, so I feel no need to sugarcoat it and not share the tough times too. Please lift our family up in prayer and please lift me up in prayer as I continue to do the day to day things our family needs.

Ian met with the play therapist on Monday and it went great! We couldn't have asked for it to have gone any better! He loved Ms. D and enjoyed his time with her. She also gave us some great ideas of things to do at home to help him and Carter both. Another thing that Ian has done this week that is so exciting is he started taekwondo! He has been talking about doing this for a few months, but ever since school started he has really wanted to do it. So Wednesday night we went and signed him up and he took his first class right then. He loved it so much we went back to the Thursday and Friday night class!!! He looks so cute in his white outfit with his white belt! I haven't taken my camera yet, but I will next week.

Well that is all for tonight I hope tomorrow to post a few pictures and catch up thank yous. I hope you all have a blessed Sunday and thank you for the prayers and understanding our praises and our rough times.

1 comment:

Reba said...

Oh, Jill, I am so sorry. I feel like I have let you down by not checking in with you this week to realize how rough your week was. I do hope you know that everything you feel is very normal and in NO WAY makes you a weak person. The weak person is one who walks away. Or doesn't ask for help at all, playing the role of "martyr". You are not those things. The fact that you get up each and every day and face life in all of its difficulties...that is what makes you strong. It is actually in our weakest state, when we are down on our knees in front of God, that we are our strongest. (Which I realize I need to remember for myself right now...) I don't know what to do right now but pray...know that I am here.